Monday, August 2, 2010

Mr. Dyson, You Suck!

Oh, Mr. Dyson, why? I'm sure you meant well. You're so suave and distinguished and brilliant, and you have a great accent. I just wish you had never invented that vacuum. See, you went and invented that pretty, robot-resembling bagless vacuum that everyone just HAD to have, and every other company just HAD to copy, and you made vacuuming a royal pain in my side forevermore.

I was just running the old suck machine a couple of days ago, and I have to admit that it's not a Dyson, but another popular brand that copied the technology, complete with the "cyclone" feature and yes, the bagless dust tank. So, I finished vacuuming (OK, full disclosure, my son finished vacuuming), and I went to empty the tank and of course it was completely full. As I'm pulling out the container, dust flying in my face-- dust that was HEPA filtered, by the way-- I'm cursing the inventor of the fancy yellow machine who convinced everyone that vacuum bags are evil. Why?!? What is so horrible about bags? It seems to me that bags keep all the nasty stuff I just vacuumed neatly contained and out of my face! What is the point of using a filter at all, let alone a fancy HEPA filter, when you're just going to open up that container, shake it into your trash can, and immediately inhale all the dust, mites, fur, and who knows what that you just filtered! It makes no sense!!

I don't hold it against you, Mr. Dyson. Well, OK, maybe I do a little bit. And while I know Mr. Dyson is very proud of his sucking vacuum-- "it never loses suction"-- and I actually think my knock-off sucks pretty hard, too,  I'm just not sure I (or my nose) can ever forgive him for his illogical hatred of the vacuum bag. I hear he's moved on to inventing a new fan which looks very cool and will probably inspire many knock-offs as well. Maybe he should just stick to inventing/"improving" things that blow and leave the things that suck to Mr. Hoover and friends.


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